30 seconds over Stork Tower. "Bombs away, Lare!" (from www.surfari.net/~jimhill/jb-24pg.html)
(or as EBob yelled to the B-52 departing Van Nuys, "Bomb the Bagel Belt, baby!")
Thanks Brian!
Henry was channeling to Q today and this is the thought Q had driving to work...
"Good news, there is a bar in heaven, and better yet, the bartender is from Hell."
--E!Bob
If we're lucky, there will be beer there.
--Q
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
Nunc est bibendum (Now is the time for drinking)
--Horace, Odes
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
ashamed. Then look into the glass and think about the workers
in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't
drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams
would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that
I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than selfish
and worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in
the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk,
they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend
time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach
you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
- or -
Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one
activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat,
hairy girls.
--Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency
to thank her.
--W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get
wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
--Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal
lobotomy.
--Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
--Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an
airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or
some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I
bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with
pizza.
--Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it
from urine.
--David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen
and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water,
a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer;
they just like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Put it back in the horse!
--H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s,
after he drank his first American beer at a bar.
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
--Henry Lawson
True, but don't you think it's more fun to have to drink?
--Greg
I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no
occasion."
--Miguel De Cervantes
I'm Catholic and I can't commit suicide, but I plan to drink
myself to death.
--Jack Kerouac
Fill with mingled cream and amber, I will drain that glass
again. Such hilarious visions clamber Through the chambers of
my brain. Quaintest thoughts--queerest fancies, Come to life
and fade away: What care I how time advances? I am drinking
ale today.
--Edgar Allan Poe
Whiskey's too rough, Champagne costs too much, Vodka puts my
mouth in gear. I hope this refrain, Will help me explain, As
a matter of fact, I like beer.
--Tom T. Hall
He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving
I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it
--His reply
Do not cease to drink beer, to eat, to intoxicate thyself,
to make love, and celebrate the good days.
--Ancient Egypt
This beer is good for you. This is draft beer. Stick with
the beer. Let’s go and beat this guy up and come back and
drink some more beer.
--Ernest Hemingway
But if at church they would give some ale. And a pleasant
fire our souls to regale. We’d sing and we’d pray all the
live long day, Nor ever once from the church to stray.
--William Blake
We brewers don’t make beer, we just get all the ingredients
together and the beer makes itself.
--Fritz Maytag, President Anchor Brewing
Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire.
--David Rains Wallace
Many battles have been fought and won by soldiers
nourished on beer.
--Frederick the Great
I recommend... bread, meat, vegetables, and beer.
--Sophocles
It is disgusting to note the increase in the quantity
of coffee used by my subjects and the amount of money
that goes out of the country in consequence. Everybody
is using coffee. If possible, this must be prevented.
My people must drink beer.
--Frederick the Great
This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which
the Lord has intended a more divine form of consumption.
Let us give praise to our maker and glory to His bounty
be learning about beer.
--Friar Tuck
From man’s sweat and God’s love, beer came into the world.
--Saint Arnold of Metz, The patron Saint of Brewers
You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no
matter how rich you are.
--Colonel Adolphus Busch
I work until beer o’clock.
--Steven King
Keep your libraries, your penal institutions, your insane
asylums... give me beer. You think man needs rule, he needs
beer. The world does not need morals, it needs beer... The
souls of men have been fed with indigestibles, but the
soul could make use of beer.
--Henry Miller
In my opinion, most of the great men of the past were
only there for the beer.
--A.J.P. Taylor, British historian
What two ideas are more inseparable than beer and Britannia?
--Sydney Smith, English clergyman, writer.
There may be a few good men who don't drink, but they've
got to prove it.
--Col. Lincoln Karmany, USMC
Don't you know alcohol kills brain cells...any damn brain
cell that can't live through a good drunk deserves to die.
You're doing yourself a favor, getting rid of all them
nonhacking, underachieving ones. I'm working on improving
your efficiency.
--James Webb (A Country Such As This)
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--Anonymous
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or
as good as drink.
--G.K. Chesterton
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of
denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce
I never drink anything stronger than gin for breakfast.
--W.C. Fields
If God had intended us to drink, he would have given us
stomaches.
--David Daye
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like
me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing
you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without
holding on.
--Dean Martin
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!
--anonymous
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
--anonymous
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group
--anonymous
Beer - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems
over white wine.
--anonymous
The Circuit (yes, there is beer involved):
Electricity originates inside clouds. There, it forms
into lightning, which is attracted to the Earth by
golfers. After entering the ground, the electricity
hardens into coal, which, when dug up by power companies
and burned in big ovens called 'generators,' turns back
into electricity... where it is transformed by TV sets
into commercials for beer, which passes through the
consumers and back into the ground, thus completing what
is known as a 'circuit.'
--Dave Barry
'Men can go wrong with wine and women. Shall we prohibit
and abolish women? The sun, moon and the stars have been
worshipped; shall we pluck them from the sky? See how much
He has done thru me even though I just prayed and preach,
the Word did it all. If I wanted to, I could have started
a conflagration at Worms. But while I sat still and drank
beer with Philip in Hahnsdorf, God dealt the papacy a
mighty blow'.
--Martin Luther
Orange Whip? Orange whip?
--John Candy (as adapted by Patrick Miller)
The Girls are going shopping, and the Boys are going to find Liquid Jesus
--Don
Glug,glug,glug,glug
--Kep
Never run out - else you're fucked.
--Lonny/Greg
The end is near, drink more beer.
--Greg 12/1999
I don't trust anyone that doesn't drink.
--Greg
"All of us are in the gutter [1], but some of us are looking at the stars [2]."
--Oscar Wilde
1. yes, I am at work again
2. yes, I have a stockpile of beer at home waiting to be iced and consumed
--Lonny
Beauty is in the eye of the Beer holder....
--John V.
Time's a'wastin'!
--Greg, in Atlanta, 11PM, in answer to whether it was too late to go
out drinking at a "Gentlemen's Club"
Beer - all that you can bear
--Greg
I only go to airshows because they have beer
--Q
You expect me to remember anything I said this weekend???!!! lalalalalalala
--Greg
I'll go if Beer goes
--Greg
There's a game called drinking - it's a lot like solitaire
--Q
Hey Q, what's your favorite beer?
The one in my hand.
Alcohol is a tool to be used with regularity and grossly,
tools are our friends - that's why we have thumbs!
--Don
In response to EBob's statement regarding the cancellation of the 2001 Edwards
AFB airshow, "Fun is dead in the U.S.A.":
Fun is all in the mind, that's why there is beer.
--Q
Weather is clear. Wish you were beer!
--Kay
God said drink me,
and then there was beer,
and it was good.
--Kay & Q, Kings Head Pub, Santa Monica CA, Sep 30 2001
Q: It's 10/19 and it's Friday
G: God is waiting for me at home in the 'fridge.
L: Anyone want to go? (to the NAMM show)
G: Will there be beer there?
Q: If there is beer there I don't even have to know what a NAMM show is.
K: Isn't that where you go "hey Ho! namm me that orange whip"?
The more you drink, the better the world looks!
--Greg
Home is where the beer is.
--Dave V.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
--Drew Carey
Drinking and music are key to survival.
--Greg
Wait it out with a six-pack of beer and a football game.
--Former Buffalo NY Mayor James Griffin's advice during a 1977 blizzard
L: It's good for Santa Barbarians to venture outside the idyllic setting
they live in. Right Q?
Q: Any place where there is beer is an idyllic setting.
Anne (to EBob at the bar at Taylor's): So when are you flying next?
EBob (to Anne): Tomorrow.
Q (sipping a Bombay Martini): I'll be flying later tonight.
2
Beer = c Beer is the constant (squared)!
--Greg
Pain=Life/Beer
--Q
You don't play 18 without going 19.
--heard on radio
I think beer is the limit.
--Lonny
New Orleans. A drinking town with a football problem!
--banner seen at a football game, courtesy of Saints beat writer Kerry
Amen, as a fan of football the Seahawks are nothing but an excuse for wife
beating and alcohol abuse.
--Don's response to the above
If beer and women aren't the answer, then you're asking the wrong questions.
--Riley (via Steve E)
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway!
--author unknown
...going to Greg's and drink until reality becomes reality.
--Q
We've lost our will to fight a nuclear war.
--excerpt from a letter to Air Force Magazine, Nov 2002, from Chuck McConnell,
Rose Hills KS (not a beer quote? I bet beer was involved...)
Beer - it's good while waiting for the big one.
--Greg
What good is the Parthenon without LSD?
--John Lennon
Now it's Miller time!
--EBob (after bombing the Bagel Belt)
Female allure is my heroin.
--RC
Lonny: Speaking of Bob Vanderveen, I'm hoping to return to the Ramona Cafe
and airshow this June. That's why I'm here, isn't it?
Greg: And this is the centennial year of flight, so it's time to break your
previous attendance record.
Q: The martini was invented one hundred years ago this year?!
The welfare of the Company is more important than Life itself
--Bill M (not a beer quote? certainly all jacked up on glue or something)
Beer - Gatorade® for adults
--Greg
Greg arrives at Nuclear Crabs Q IX, Lonny's back porch, and a tub of iced beer:
Lonny: Hey Greg, how are you?
Greg: Fine - now!
We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by
--Will Rogers
The Ice cometh and taketh away the sun, yea and alcohol was born.
--Don
Well, you always have alcohol as your real friend!
--Don
Beer mmmm, it's what God wanted us to do. Just ask him.
--Don
I've read that the clear alcoholic beverages are the way to go and as they change
hue they become less good for you. So, the answer, as always, is "I'll have a 12 oz.
tumbler of gin, please"
--Don
Our Nation must drink or die.
--Jan Pieterszoon Coen, founder of the Dutch East Indies
Greg: Every day is a different story. Tomorrow never knows.
Lonny: (re attending Asta's party - which Ken bailed on)
Turn off your mind, relax and float down stream
It is not dying, it is not dying
Drink beer with Lonny at Asta's Saturday night
Ken will be crying, Ken will be crying
I plan on drinking heavily tonight - more heavily than usual.
--Greg, Sep 05 2003 (HEF departed us)
T-shirt seen today on "Pirate" (homeless dude in Isla Vista):
I'm not an alcoholic
I'M A DRUNK
Alcoholics go to meetings
--Greg
Speaking of Gifts from God TM:
No Beer, No God
Know Beer, Know God
--E!
Life = Pain
Beer = Pleasure
-- Greg
Moderation in all things, including moderation.
-- Mike Sullivan
Every beer is better than the last one.
-- Q
Moderation in all things - except beer!
-- Greg
Take home a souvenir - a hangover!
-- Greg, at Mugu 2004, responding to announcer's sales pitch for souvenirs
The problem with drinking is - everything is fine until you stop.
-- Greg
Weekend before last Greg and Barb came down, we were drinking beers and
decided to go to the pub for dinner. As I stepped outside I noticed it
to be chilly, I had a light jacket on but I noticed Greg did not.
Q - It's a little chilly out do you want to borrow a jacket?
G - No, beer is my jacket.
Nothing more was said.
Nov 2004 SB Brewing Co:
Lauretta to Lonny: If I can't finish my beer, will you finish it?
Lonny: Sure.
Lonny to Q: If you can't finish your beer, what will you do with it?
Q: Give it to Greg.
I equate work with impending disaster.
-- Greg
A heritage flight is NOT a demo.
-- Greg
Beer - vacation in a can.
-- seen on T-shirt 2006 CMA airshow
Q to Lonny, as L is trying to pick up 3 cups of Beer at Edwards Airshow (2006):
You got that OK, or do you need for Greg to show you how?
G - I know that Internet Law #1 states that "Everything is true on the Internet",
but I'm not sure if I can believe the freedictionary.com entry of "FF First Flight
(tail symbol for the 1st Fighter Wing at Langley AFB, VA)"
B - Which first flight does that commemorate?
G - Samuel Langley's first flight into the Potomac!
Q - The one I'm going to take tonight.
Jack to Lonny: I can't get to your website
Q - that's cuz there's a JackBlocker® on it
Greg and Lonny discussing retirement planning:
My retirement plan? To drink myself to death.
Greg and Lonny discussing the futility of retirement planning:
There should be Euthanasia ******s, girls that **** you to death
Gal at Chino Airshow Beer Booth to customer ordering 3 beers:
2 hands, 2 beers
Greg at 2007 Chino Airshow:
What good is Brian Sanders Sea Fury smoke demo without LSD?
Greg: I am so glad I won't be around in the future.
Q: You already are.
Q to Greg, after Greg drank ESBs all night: How do you do that?
Greg: It's way too easy.
Q re The Fox And Hounds:
While walking to the restroom I passed by one of the Cowsills (don't
know first names) and asked to make sure Timmy was playing tonight.
While I was in the restroom he got on the PA and announced "Yes, The Tim
Bryson Band is playing tonight."
Q re meeting us at the Pub for "Area 51":
I'm there, unless I'm somewhere else.
Q re having said Hillary is a shoe-in:
If I don't remember then it didn't happen.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't
believe this to be a coincidence.
-- Jeremy S. Anderson
At the Cockney Pub in Aarhus, Mike Wilson did not remember me. Mike Owen did.
Mike Wilson: you remember them?
Mike Owen: Yes, we went to [this Pub]. It's yesterday I have trouble remembering.
Beer for Mayor!
Damon said that the offseason routine, which led to a weight gain from 205 to 220
pounds, was intended to help him maintain endurance over the course of the season.
Even though he still appears to be in outstanding shape, the 30-year-old kidded
that no one will accuse him of being involved in the ongoing steroids scandal.
"I'm gaining weight the right way: I'm drinking beer", Damon said.
-- Johnny Damon, Boston Red Sox
Financial Advice from SBBob
If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it
would now be worth $49. If you had bought $1000 worth of
Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the
beer, and traded in the cans at a redemption center, for the nickel
deposit, you would have $107. Given the current conditions of the
economy, my advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
Courtesy of Anne:
The following is an actual excerpt from Forbes Magazine:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herds as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even
improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent
epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol
kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first.
Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells,
constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The
result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link
between all weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains
why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married,
most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new
graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious
alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they
achieve during their college years.
DATE RAPE DRUG WARNING
Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting public house
regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a
female. Apparently, there is a drug called beer, that is essentially in
liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at
parties, etc. to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere!
All females have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply
ask the guy home for no-strings attached unadulterated sex. Men are
literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this
to every male you know before this happens to someone you know!
another version:
DATE RAPE DRUG TARGETS MALES
(URP) - Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting
pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from
any woman. A new date rape drug on the market, called "beer," is used
by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found
in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used
by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few
units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached
sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several
"beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on
horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be
attracted.
After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a
vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these
unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar
scam known as "a relationship."
Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please!
Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall
victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering
it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you
can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and
frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the
support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
THE PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front
of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in
diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that
it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the
open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar
was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it
into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said
the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life."
"The rocks are the important things -- your family, your spouse, your
health, your children -- things that if everything else was lost and only
they remained, your life would still be full."
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house,
your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the
sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks."
"The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on
the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are
important to you."
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play
with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner
out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house,
give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first --
the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just
sand."
But then...
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor
agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the
beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly
full.
Which proves: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room
for a beer.
DISTURBING BEER NEWS
Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis
that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a
concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To
test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
No further testing was considered necessary.
DOE RE MI BEER, by Homer J. Simpson.
DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...(Looks into an empty glass) D'OH!
WARNING LABELS FOR BEER CONTAINERS
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers
are considering the following warning labels for beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without
spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
Morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM CAUSE CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet Glass Being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet Improper Bladder Control Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes You have fallen forward See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor Blurred You are looking through bottom of empty glass Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving You are being carried out Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark Bar has closed Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles You are dancing on the table Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up Punch him
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup You're in the ladies' room Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear You have been in a fight Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in You've wandered into the wrong party See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps You're in a gay bar Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
Your singing sounds distorted The beer is too weak Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song Beer is just right Play air guitar
Things That Are Difficult To Say When Drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
WORK VIRUS WARNING!
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and
by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If
you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else
via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, take two good friends to the
nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-
Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter
(BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely
eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends,
you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Hymn #365
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in
the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally,
haking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly
laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,
"Shall We Gather at the River."
Drinking Toasts
NOTABLE QUOTES FOR WHEN DRINKING
The following quotes, when drinking, will cause one to punchie (see below)
Captain Punchie!
--Hank, to Steve, drinking an unpaid-for bottle of fruit punch in 7-Eleven, who spewed
EVERYONE is a celebrity on the internet!
--Greg
Fuck it, don't mean nuthin'!
--Cherry in-country (DelVecchio's "13th Valley")
CAPTAIN PUNCHIE!
When you laugh uncontrollably while eating or drinking (Hank):
Captain Punchie!
When you punchie so hard you crack your own back (Greg):
Captain Crunchie!
When you punchie so hard that you vomit (Steve):
Captain Lunchie!
When you laugh so hard, you run out of breath, lurch back violently to catch your breath
such that you crack your lower back, then lurch forward equally violently from the recoil,
such that one of the Spaghetti-O's you had for lunch comes out of your nose (Hank):
Captain Bungie!
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