SELECTED HAIKU

Updated May 14 2003

Beautiful, or what?

     Two classics from the late Hawaiian comic, Rap Replinger 
     (to be recited in Hawaiian pidgin):
     "Butterflies"
     Twwoooooo butterflies
     One on top the other one
     What the fuck they doing?!
     "Home From The Fields"
     Someone has painted my door
     A stranger sings in my bathroom
     Whoops!  Wrong house.

         SPAM HAIKU:
    
     Blue can of steel
     What promise do you hold?
     Salt flesh so ripe
     Pink tender morsel
     Glistening with salty gel
     What the hell is it?
     Little slab of meat
     In a wash of clear jelly
     Now I heat the pan
     In the cool morning
     I fry up a slab of Spam
     A dog barks next door
     Cube of cold pinkness
     Yellow specks of porcine fat
     Give me a spork please
     Ears, snouts, and innards,
     A homogeneous mass
     Pass another slice
     Old man seeks doctor
     "I eat Spam daily", he says.
     Angioplasty
     Oh tin of pink meat
     I ponder what you may be:
     Snout or ear or feet?
     Highly unnatural
     The tortured shape of this "food"
     A small pink coffin
     Grotesque pinkish mass
     In a blue can on a shelf
     Quivering alone
     And who dares mock Spam?
     You? you? you are not worthy
     Of one rich pink fleck
     Clad in metal, proud
     No mere salt-curing for you
     You are not bacon
     Twist, pull the sharp lid
     Jerks and cuts me deeply but
     Spam, aah, my poultice
     Spam volcano blows
     Stratosphere laden with pork
     Gorgeous pink sunsets
     Like some spongy rock
     A granite, my piece of Spam
     In sunlight on my plate
     Oh Argentina!
     Your little tin of meat soars
     Above the pampas
     The color of Spam
     is natural as the sky:
     A block of sunrise
     Silent, former pig
     One communal awareness
     Myriad pink bricks
     Slicing your sweet self
     Salivating in suspense
     Sizzle, sizzle..Spam
     Pink beefy temptress
     I can no longer remain
     Vegetarian
     World War II staple
     No atheists in foxholes
     Plenty of Spam, though
The SPAM Haiku Archive

         Musicians' Haiku:
    
Money's everything
Playing any gig that comes
Whores, we are all whores
Squeaking and squawking
All eyes roll to the heavens
The clarinet speaks
One beat to change from
Harmon to cup to bucket
Hey, who wrote this shit?
Here comes the high note
The lead trumpeter puckers
Clam, clam, Fuck!, clam, Shit!
Here's the girl singer
Stepping to the microphone
Pitch, Time, All gone now
Gig is going well
Asshole requests "In the Mood"
I look at my watch
I once had a dream
Big house, new car, big money
Now I play the bass
Gorgeous chick tells me
"You sound just like Kenny G"
My ego shatters
The woodwind doubler
Practicing the piccolo
Frustration defined
Pit orchestra gig
Days and nights become as one
I have no damned life
Bad intonation
Strings are sharp and reeds are flat
Brass too loud again
An oxymoron:
"He played the accordion
With delicacy"
The accordion
"Squeeze box," yes, but more often
"The Stomach Steinway"
Bassoons forever
Try in vain not to sound like
A farting bedpost
The strings slowly tune
When they're done the unisons
Are anything but
"I can't find my note"
Bemoans the confused singer
"Quit now," we all pray
Practice makes perfect
Well, nobody is perfect
Go ahead and quit

         Computer Haiku:
  
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more! exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crash'd.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No-one hears your screams.
Yesterday it work'd.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank....

         Hank Haiku:
    
The Bach Preludes
Fine music, but I prefer
"Le Vent," by du Bois
Tomcat spooling up
Pierces the cool morning fog
Ahhhhh, Mugu again
Kim gives me bad news
Cries, "No Slurpee; machine bad!"
Diet Pepsi, then
Yard-Cam Haiku:
Lonny cried, "Here comes
Steve with ALL the MEAT!  Hey Steve!
Having a COOK-OUT?!"
Work is fucking fucked
But cold martinis await
Tomorrow:  Taylor's
Keebird Haiku:
Jury-rigged gas can
"OOOOUUUHH, Jeezus, this dust is bad!"
Bob, you idiot (in the voice of Gen. Burkhalter)
Birthday flutterblast
In fine Japanese meter
What, ho! Peben B.!

         Steve Haiku:
    
Birthday Blues are here
The middle-aged colon leaks
Like shit from your mouths
YardCam Haiku(tm)
Oppressive Summer
I am barbequed daily
in nuclear sun
Gig Haiku:
Eight insipid notes,
the cellist's eternal hell:
Pachelbel's canon
HolidayTime(tm) Haiku by PBNB (A not-for-profit philanthropic foundation)
The War on Eye-rak
I am in a world of hurt
Launch on my command!
Springtime Haiku:
So much crap to do
after the winter hellhole
theYardCam is dead

         Greg Haiku:
    
George "Whatever" Bush
Bring me my keg, bong and coke
Let them eat twinkies
Living for Friday
My beer seems light years away
It's so boring here
Work is fucking fucked
But life is be-autiful
When's the next airshow?
Thinking of dutch boy
long hot desert drive, top down
breaks a sweat, breaks wind
Radial engines
Smoke, belch, thrum, hum, drone, and whine
Beer spills on both hands
On the Me-262 replica first hop:
If it really flew
Boeing had nothing to do
with its success, ha!

         Lonny Haiku:
Commemorative Glider Haiku for E!:
She soars on the wind
Above the troubled world, may
touch the face of God
Frosty cold as ice
Liquid Jesus waits for me
Heinzie barks at wind
Icy wind, rain falls
Summer's heat a distant thought
Let's cork and burn, Lare
Christmas is coming
Traffic, malls, shopping, noise, hell
Happy Holidays!
I am not late Lare
Maybe you're just in early
It fucking matters?
Drinking draught with Q
Guinness, Bass, Harp, and Tennents
passed out in gutter
Work week is sooo long
Work, sleep, no fun, except beer
At last! It's Friday!
Q said "never fly,
Sonic Cruzer, 2-6-2"
right on one count Q!
On shuttle Columbia (God bless the Astronauts):
Fragile space shuttle
Clad in two inch thick fire bricks
Lose them, you burn up

         Love Haiku:
    
I love you madly
See you soon, want you badly
Ooooh, be my daddy

         Anonymous Haiku:
    
"You're the Cook", he said
"Then you're the Shit", he replied
Where's Monkey Moon-Butt?

         Haiku Links:
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